not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.

i'm lying on the couch drunk, eating fudge and watching the muppet show. this is my new sex.

It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.

the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...


just a selection of what you may find here: www.textsfromlastnight.com, possibly the best blog since this one here.